When Bears Attack
by poke-a-spark
Summary: Tumblr prompt. And though they knew they should probably be more worried, they couldn't help but watch in twisted amusement as one of their own was mistaken for an unruly cub. Red Swan.


Red Swan (Red/Emma) Prompt.

**PROMPT: **thecranefeels asked: FTL, Red Swan. Red befriends a bear.

**SUMMARY:** And though they knew they should probably be more worried, they couldn't help but watch in twisted amusement as one of their own was mistaken for an unruly cub.

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Once upon a Time or its characters. I am not making a profit from this story. In fact, if you recognize it… I probably don't own it. Actually, I'm kind of happy I don't own it; I had a hard enough time keeping my fish alive.

**When Bears Attack**

**o0o0o0o**

If Red was being honest with herself, though she'd swear up and down it wasn't true if the subject ever came up in a conversation, this whole situation was completely avoidable. In fact, the longer Red stood frozen in front of what had to be the Enchanted Forest's nominee for 'mutant mammal on steroids', the more she cursed her own pigheadedness. Oh, looking back on this day Red knew she'd brag about how she stood her ground; how she stared the wild beast down with nary doubt in her mind about who the victor would inevitably be.

She would regale anyone and everyone with tales of the battle; of the epic struggle between woman and beast. She would tell them of how she defeated her mighty foe singlehandedly, with just a crude makeshift weapon and her wits to see her through the fight to end all fights. She would, of course, make sure to subtly downplay her heroics in the face of danger; a humble hero was a well-loved hero, after all. And yet, no matter what embellishments and flowery lies her mind would come up with, Red knew they would be just that; lies.

The bear was fucking huge, after all. She'd be lucky to escape with her tail tucked between her legs, before running back to the safety of Emma's arms to lick her wounds. That is if she could escape at all; at the moment the bear had four legs and she only had two. And they looked like good, _strong,_ legs.

It was to this effect that the other half of her mind began planning her own funeral. She imagined her tombstone would read, "_Here lies Red; she fucked with a bear. May she rest in pieces."_ She figured she'd become a household moral, one that parents would teach to their unruly children; that any advice is good advice, and should be at least mulled over briefly before being discarded. And so Red admitted, to herself, that _maybe_ she should have listened to the numerous people who had warned her not to venture out into the woods alone.

_Maybe_ James had a point when he told her that spring was a time when cubs were fiercely protected. She also probably _should_ have listened to him when he mentioned that bears had already been spotted in the surrounding areas, instead of brushing him off in her rush to get outside. But she'd never admit to him that she'd been to hasty. Ever.

When Snow urged her only moments later to at least bring a sword and a bow with her, Red figured the smart thing to do would be to arm herself. Instead of agreeing with her best friend's logic, however Red's ego decided to rear its ugly head and instead she found herself scoffing at the need for conventional weapons; she was a wolf, after all. Snow would not find out, however, that Red cursed her own hubris almost as much as the motherly woman did. Never; it would ruin her badass image, after all.

And as the bear finally finished inspecting her and began to move forward, Red confessed internally that perhaps Emma was right when she told her to stay in bed; that she'd only get herself into trouble if she got up at such an ungodly hour. And Red _might_ be willing to admit she was wrong to the blonde, if she survived this encounter. Maybe.

It was only hours after her departure, when the sun had finally made its full ascent into the sky and the fiery ball sat directly above the castle, did Emma start to worry about her wayward girlfriend. If there was one thing Emma knew about Red, it was that the taller girl liked to eat. A lot. And so when breakfast and dinner came and went and supper loomed on the horizon, Emma began to wonder why exactly her little pig hadn't shown up yet.

Asking around the castle hadn't yielded any results; nobody had seen the cloaked girl since the early morning. Tracking her down alone was out of the question as well; Emma admitted ruefully that she was as directionally challenged in the forest as a broken GPS. And so it was with this in mind that Emma rounded up her parents and all three Charming's found themselves neck deep in the woods, looking for their wayward wolf.

Snow rolled her eyes as James insisted on taking point, his hand readily placed on the pommel of his sword as he told Emma to stick close. "James," she scolded, glancing at the increasingly worried expression on her daughter's face. "Stop scaring her."

"But Snow," James paused, a slight pout audible in his voice as his fatherly advice was interrupted. "Don't you think it's better for her to be prepared?"

"Prepared? Yes." Snow stated, before narrowing her eyes pointedly. "Does she need to know how many deaths and mutilations are caused by bears each spring while Red is still unaccounted for? No. No she does _not_."

James opened his mouth, intent on telling Snow that if only Red had listened to the same speech earlier none of them would be out looking for her in the first place, only to snap it shut with an audible click as Snow gave him a look. Sighing in defeat, James turned to look his wife in the eyes, a winsome smile adorning his face. "Yes, dear."

Snow reached up and patted him gently on the cheek, before giving him a sweet kiss. "Good Charming."

"You know what else Emma really doesn't need to know?" Emma called out over her shoulder, breaking the pair out of the daze they had fallen into when their eyes met. "She really doesn't need to know what it looks like to see her parents making out, because honestly? I'm still trying to erase the library incident from my mind, and you two aren't making it any easier." Emma scowled slightly as she pointed at them accusingly.

Flushing at the memory of being caught in various states of undress by their daughter and her girlfriend, Snow and James sprung apart. Glancing guiltily at each other, they hurriedly continued forward, only to stop in confusion as Emma called out.

"Wait!" Emma frowned, straining her eyes. "I could have sworn I…" She trailed off, looking into her parents confused faces, before a faint cry once again pierced the silence.

"This way," Snow swiftly took the lead, ducking in and out of trees and overhanging branches. Rushing through the underbrush, the trio came to a screeching halt as they cleared the treeline.

"Is that…?" Snow gaped, eyes wide.

"I think so." James replied, fixated on the figures in the middle of the small clearing.

The trio couldn't help but stare in slack-jawed disbelief at the family of bears frolicking in the grass. More specifically, their eyes were held captive by the figure among the bears that decidedly did not belong there. And though they knew they should probably be more worried, they couldn't help but watch in twisted amusement as one of their own was mistaken for an unruly cub.

"Oh. My. _God_." Emma bit out; trying and failing to hold in her amusement as her shock quickly wore off.

Ears twitching at the familiar voice, Red turned her head in relief only to shriek as a wiggling fish landed in her lap. Dumping the wet creature onto the ground, Red backed away, wiping the slime from her hands into the grass. "No, hey!" she exclaimed, incensed as the bear cub in front of her whined and picked the fish up in his jaws before depositing it once more on her lap. "I do not want a fish, dammit!"

Huffing, Red grimaced as she grabbed a tentative hold on the fish before letting it soar. Standing up, she brushed her hands off on her pants and made to walk towards her family only to be yanked to the ground once more. "What? Hey, ouch!" Red growled as the giant bear from earlier decided to wash her 'fur' with her tongue. "My hair is perfectly clean, thank you very much!" Squirming, Red managed to escape her captor only to be tripped by another cub.

"Yeah, I don't it it's that clean anymore." Emma called out between peals of laughter.

"Shut up!" Red yelled, before grunting in surprise as two of the three cubs decided to pile on top of her. "Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help me!"

Snow smothered her grin behind her hand as the third cub raced back to its siblings, dropping his prize once more onto Red, the slimy fish landing with a splat on her head. Emma tried to respond, but only found herself bent in half in uncontrollable laughter as her girlfriend yelped once more as a tongue licked fish-slime off of her face.

"Actually," James cleared his throat, trying to keep a straight face. "I think we'll just stand right here and watch the show."

"Wha-" Red started, incredulously, before squealing helplessly as her boot was pulled off and a cold nose tickled the bottom of her foot. After a few long moments, the bear cub finished inspecting the squirming woman's foot, before looking curiously at the object in his paw. Sticking his muzzle inside the hole, he sniffed the strange object only to sneeze violently.

"Why, Red," James teased, "I do believe that can be taken as a hint."

"Fuck you." Red deadpanned.

Snow couldn't help herself any longer and began to giggle as Red finally made it out of the pile only to be taken down in a spectacular flying tackle from the side. Her plight wasn't made any easier by the fact that Emma was clutching at her to try to stay upright as she gasped through her hysterical laughter, or that James seemed to have taken it upon himself to commentate.

"And that was a wonderful tackle by Grunt out of left field; truly amazing, Jim." James mimicked an announcer, voice rising in falling in suspense. "Oh, but what is this, Jon? Red isn't down for the count! There she goes; narrowly avoiding being double-teamed by Fidget and Picker, only to, _ooohh_," James winced mock sympathetically, "taken down by the _fish_! And in such a brutal way too, Jim; who would have thought."

"I give it an eight-point-five," Snow piped up, helpfully.

"And there you have it folks! This has been another episode of _When Bears Attack_." James finished with a flourish, ignoring the glare Red was sending his way.

"Are you fucking _kidding_ me?" Red barked, glancing around frantically for an escape as a slightly larger cub lumbered up and began sniffing her. "_Seriously_? What do I have to do to get you to agree to get me out of here!"

"You could start with admitting you were wrong and we were right." James stated with a large smirk.

Red opened and closed her mouth, only to be interrupted by the large cub's huffing in her face, its foul breath wrinkling her nose.

"You know," Snow trailed off, gazing at the scene with a sly smile as Emma finally started to get her breathing under control. "I think I recall reading somewhere that huffing was a sound made during courtship."

Red's look of abject horror was too much for Emma; the blond laughed so hard she lost her balance and landed on her backside in the dirt.

**o0o0o0o**

**A/N:** Guaranteed to turn your frown upside-down :D Come one, you smiled! Admit it!


End file.
